charlene-lopez:

A Broken Heart

If he really missed me, he’d talk to me first for once.

The hot coffee warms up my body in this cold winter breeze. My body shivers when I breathe in through my mouth. I’m lonely, and there is no one who is willing to hear me out. I’ll never know the exact reason why he left me, but his excuses are invalid. They’re too unbelievable- it’s like he’s just saying words thinking he can get away with it. Too bad he can’t. I can tell from the look in his eyes that he feels forced to say what he says, because he feels guilty. I’m not asking him to feel guilty, no. I’m just asking for the truth and where we go from here. I need that closure from him to let me know it’s time to let go and cut the hopes of him coming back. I don’t remember how he and I got here. Perfection really doesn’t last forever.

We were so happy. I thought everything would be great, and I thought it’d last longer than this. 

Standing in front of the fire place, I bend over to light up the firewood. The flames begin and sparks fly upward up the chimney. It all started with heartache. The day that changed your perspective; the day things had to change. The heartache eventually ended to my heart cutting in half. Heartbreak. It’s something you’ll never understand with me in the picture. I sit on the couch wrapped in my robe and close my eyes. Tears stream up and out and my body trembles at the pain that feels unbearable. They say I love too much. They say I waste my time. Is that something I should believe? Should I believe everything they say? False shit flood my head hoping I can believe it. I can’t wait for the day you see me happier without you. I can’t wait for that feeling you feel of regret. I’m contradicting myself with this messed up mind of mine.

But you tell me. Do you remember that night, under the stars, with a light drizzle of rain landing on the tip of our noses? The night you held me tight in your arms and the time you kissed me and told me you loved me. After many years with you, I’ve always awaited a perfect moment like that. I think. I think hard. Why are there more fucked up shit in my mind compared to the times you actually made me feel loved? You tell me you’re sorry, but there’s lies hidden in between each word. You never hold me anymore. You never talk to me. You never bother to call or send one damn text telling me you hope I’m doing fine. Either way, I’m not fucking fine anymore. Because of you, I have distanced myself away from my peers and my own family. My close friends land the palm of their hands on my shoulders and ask me if I’m okay. I return with one simple word, “Okay.” They tell me to smile and be happy. But it’s hard, I don’t think they’ll understand the exact shit that affects me.

I try to pull off an act to everyone. You know, acting like I’m okay- like everything is perfectly fine. But these people are some good observers. They know something is bothering me. But no! I don’t talk to anyone but my reflection. The reflection of a girl slowly losing contact of her own self. A girl who once was happy and strong, but look at her now- she looks messy, tired, and dead. Her skin turns pallor at the thought of her losing her mind. I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m trying to look for past resources I used to help bring a smile on my face. But I can’t find anything whatsoever. 

I hope he hears me out somehow. I hope he talks to me soon. I hope he’s honest with me. I hope to see him. I wish too much. But if somehow, I could change his mind, I hope God strikes some lightening bolt on my heart that’ll tell me what I need to do because damn right I’ll get to it right away. I had so many things planned for us, but those plans turned out to be expectations; ones we couldn’t complete. They were too high to reach. But sigh, as much as it hurts I’m still thankful that we got to something. We made the “best” of the time we spent together even though it’s ending like complete bullshit. I’ve came to conclusion of what I am and what I am not. I am someone that won’t be yours forever. But I am a beautiful, strong girl that can hopefully overcome this. It’s just, I’ve been through so much with this generic love shit and it’s all so predictable but yet I still keep falling for these damn traps. I’m like a mouse getting fooled with a mouse trap. I think I’m stronger and wiser enough to grab the cheese without the trap clamping onto me, but it’s the same damn outcome. I get hurt.

Wherever the hell you are my love. Please come back to me for just one more day. One more hour. Because I have to see you once more before I let go of this cord that once held us perfectly together. 

My eyes open, it’s been 3 hours of good one on one time with my mind and my heart. The desires and hopes my mind has is something my heart just can not seem to agree with. I need to accept this once and for all, I need to talk to him once more. I take my hair out of a bun, stand up with two sleeping legs, and try to get to my room. I sit on my icy bed and pick up my cell phone. I call you up and ask if we can talk. But fuck- here you are with your fucking excuses again saying you’re doing something important. I can never get a hold of you. You never want to talk to me anymore. You’re avoiding me. 

“It’s not going to take long. I promise. Just talk to me tonight. It’s important…”